An item on every self-help list and one I struggle with on a regular basis says “Don’t compare yourself to other people.” It’s very difficult for most of us to do – we feel we should be at a certain point in life based off of our peers or those we aspire to be like. I thought about where these feelings come from and how they are fostered in us. Consumerism and the media are likely culprits and most frequently blamed. But for me there was another element that is less discussed in relation to comparison and that is competitiveness and competition. Competitiveness is not in the spirit of ceasing to compare yourself to others. It’s the opposite. Competitiveness forces the issue of comparison. It IS comparison.

I have never been competitive. At least not in the way society tells me to be competitive. I never viewed things in simple terms of “winning” and “losing.” I could play my best in a soccer match and the team could still lose. Those who were competitive would spend so much energy being mad, pointing fingers, laying blame, etc. and I always felt that that was a terrible way to exist in the world.

Another issue I see with the societal pressure to be “competitive” and the messaging that it’s a good thing is that if you’re not competitive, you must be lazy. Or unambitious. Or complacent.

NONE of these things are true. I am not competitive, but I am ambitious and I have initiative. I’ve always had it – I was active in high school and excelled academically there and in college. I’ve moved my career along at a strong pace and taught myself the skills to keep advancing and opening doors.

Many competitive people would say they do this, too. The difference, as I see it, is that I do these things from the inside, not the outside. I don’t measure my success based on someone else’s failure. My “B” on the test is not made any stronger or weaker by someone else’s “D” nor is my promotion any better because someone else did not get one.

Those are competitive views and I think they foster feelings of superiority, jealousy, spite, arrogance, and even anger and hate. 

Oh sure, I know that a little friendly competition can be fun. Except when the people who think everything is about winning and losing join in. Then it’s not fun – it’s about someone being better than everyone else. 

“Winning” for me is an internal process, a private feeling. My success is based on how I perform against myself – not anyone else. I want to learn more about a topic, write better papers, speak more eloquently, lose weight, have a nice wedding for MYSELF –  not to beat someone to a promotion or at a game or at life. My internal drive for self improvement is all I need – I am my harshest critic.

Competitiveness also breeds the idea of “success and failure” which, to me, is terrible. Who is defining success? Society, peers, people who don’t me – and they are saying if I lose the game or don’t get the promotion or don’t make as much money as so-and-so that I have failed. I will fight against this societal pressure with all I have – I have not failed at anything in my life, ever. I have learned and experienced and loved and lost and tried and experimented – and been enriched in the process.

I want to do the best I can at whatever it is that I’m doing. And yes, my best IS good enough. To me. I’m not trying to beat anyone – I don’t need to do that to make myself feel better, stronger, or smarter.

I know this will not resonate with everyone – but if we could all take a little bit of time to reflect on what we really get (and don’t get) out of a competitive lifestyle, I think we would be a happier society.